Tess of the D’Dubervilles…

Why do I find dieting so hard? Why can I not be happy when I look in the mirror?
I remember when I was at school studying ‘Tess of the D’Urbervilles’ understanding on a deep and very unfortunate level why Tess felt the need to shave off her eyebrows to disguise her beauty to men following her rape. I knew what it meant to wish that I hadn’t been so appealing in that way.
I didn’t shave my eyebrows off but I did form another disguise, I put on weight.
To me my weight is like a mask for my whole body. I have spent my entire adult life gaining weight and losing it then gaining and losing and so on. I gain weight ironically to become invisible, without societies ideals of beauty one is invisible it seems, I then go on to lose weight as I believe that when I am thin everything will be ok and I will be happy. I have always found that once I have reached a state of thinness I am shocked that my memories have not evaporated and my life is still not perfect.
I now know that life won’t be perfect when I lose the weight but can accept that. My memories are not so raw now and my heart is not so heavy. I’m settled and happy for the most part.
I have no need to wear my suit of fat armour any more, I need to throw it away forever. My eye brows can have the odd waxing to shape them but generally they are here to stay.

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