Keeping the box firmly closed…

Today I have woken up wishing I could just curl up and go back to sleep to wake again tomorrow feeling brighter and more able to face the world. I am fairly sure that the reason I feel this way is exhaustion, not because I am tired as I had a fairly decent night sleep but because I am emotionally drained.

As a professional I am able to put my work head on and work in a therapeutic way with a service user putting aside any issues their tale may raise in me where I find difficulty is being the student where my role is to watch the nurse and listen. I am there to learn from their expertise, of which I spend each day in awe, however playing the role of an observer is proving difficult for me. I find when I am simply observing this becomes triggering for me for my thoughts to wander and I begin to focus on those memories I have tried to box away.
At times I try to join in with the conversation, when it is appropriate to do so or when I have knowledge in a subject and when I do this I am aware my professional role takes over again and I am fine.

I began to worry that I would not make a good mental health nurse as I am ‘too broken’ by my own past but I know that is an old thought pattern creeping in which once challenged will shrink away. I challenged this thought by reminding myself that when I am working more autonomously this isn’t an issue as I keep my professional hat on so once I qualify I will be ok, it’s getting through the rest of my training that worries me. I have faith in myself that I will get through I just need to be kind to myself when days have been particularly triggering and recognise that it is entirely natural to feel this way when I have shared such similar experiences to some people.

I am not broken as such, just maybe different, like a vase that has been glued back together invisible to the naked eye but magnified to the person who dropped it in the first place. I know I have that flaw so am desperate to ensure others do not see it, I hate others to know my weaknesses, it leaves me too vulnerable. Part of me wishes I could explain to my colleagues how I feel and why I feel that way but I never will. I would be mortified if they thought I could not cope with the role. I can cope I just know it will be easier to cope once I am the one doing the talking and offering the solutions until then I will smile and make appropriate noises of acknowledgement whilst ultimately keeping myself emotionally safe.

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