Today I feel lighter. I feel like the honesty I entrusted upon someone today was the right thing to do.
Being open today also reduced my cost per use of the phrase “I’m no longer ashamed about my past” as that cost me around £4000 in therapy to be able to say out loud!!!
I had supervision with my mentor and we began to discuss a couple of situations which had left me feeling a little uncomfortable recently. It seemed only fair to be honest and open and when I did I sensed it put some things into context for her, allowed her an insight into my world and explained me somewhat. Sometimes I have ended up feeling a little raw and exposed after telling someone about this part of my life but today it just felt ok, comfortable even.
I felt a little lighter after that openness like I don’t need to put so much energy into hiding that part of me in case someone notices the cracks. In case someone notices that I have been broken. I’m fixed now though and today showed me I don’t need to hide my past. I guess it’s never going to be something I put out there as public knowledge but there is no reason not to let those I trust in a little. My walls don’t need to be so high.
Life experiences shape us into the people we all are today, some of those experiences are positive and some are negative but it is how we deal with those experiences that matters. I spent a long time wondering ‘why me?’ but it was once I realised I should be asking ‘why not me?’ and using my experiences positively that I have found peace. I have used my experiences to find the strength to have true empathy with people I nurse.
What I did ponder on for a moment this afternoon was my mentor’s response; that she had wondered if that was the case. For a brief moment I was concerned as to whether I had somehow shown my vulnerabilities and as control is something I crave I hate the idea I may not have control over who I am open with. I quickly rationalised that if a mental health nurse isn’t perceptive then no one is lol so it’s not unrealistic that she would have made that connection!
So overall today was positive and happy with my progress with my confidence. I found the confidence to say when I found something difficult and even without my later disclosure that was a big deal in itself so today was significant for me in so many ways. All of that nearly three years to the day that if was admitted to hospital for four months believing that it would be better for everyone if I was dead. That folks is progress.
Stay safe and smile. Xx