Micro Managing

I consider myself blessed to have been able to remain mentally well without medication for while now but this doesn’t mean it’s all plain sailing. There are blips. Last week was a ‘near blip’ and although upon reflection it was a bit of a worry it is also a boost to my confidence that I was able to manage it. Now please don’t mistake the message in this blog, I am not anti medication; absolutely not, at times medication has been absolutely necessary and has saved my life, in fact Thursday evening last week it was medication which helped me avoid a bigger blip. This blog post is about me explaining how I manage on a day to day basis to stay well (or well-ish!), I know it likely won’t always be like that but I also know from experience that the correct medication works really well for me to aid my journey to remission.

Looking back on last week I am able to see how I caught my mood in the absolute nick of time and that even one day later and I may not have been able to recognise how damaging the effects could be. Let me put into context how I think I came close to a blip… Two weeks ago I worked Tuesday through to Friday which were busy in the way an acute ward is the always busy but actually were lovely shifts where I felt good about the amount of time I actually got to spend with patients that week. I was asked to do some overtime on the Saturday which is something I deliberately rarely do as I am very aware of my need for rest days with low stimulation but was swayed by the thought of weekend enhancement plus overtime rate so agreed. Continue reading

Self Worth

Self worth is a difficult thing to quantify, it is not defined by the possessions we have around us or even by the love others feel for us. I know this as I am loved beyond measure and have everything in a material sense that I actually need and yet most days I feel like a stain on society. To those looking from the outside I have it all, a nice home in an affluent area, a good husband and a wonderfully spirited little girl. I have a new career which I love and which affords me the opportunity to enjoy time with my loved ones but I worry every day that I don’t deserve this life. Let me start by saying how settled my mood is, I am not experiencing any symptomology of depression despite how negative some of this blog post may seem. My self esteem has been better than this and I hope this will once again be achievable. Self depreciation has always been my default setting but throughout my life I have had periods of being better able to challenge this. Right now I am struggling with this. Continue reading