The pain is horrendous, it goes away sometimes then like acid reflux or heart burn it reappears, often with no prior warning, and burns. It burns me from the inside out.
I’ve written before about my wish for another child but I thought it would have gone away by now. If anything it is as raw and as painful as back when we were hopeful for a pregnancy, as raw as each pregnancy we lost a couple of years back.
I want to be happy when I see friends announce their big news but equally I want to scream and shout like a toddler that it’s not fair. I used to pray daily that God would give us a baby and now I pray daily that he will help me accept this pain.
I sit each evening with my medication for my mental health and with each tablet I swallow I can feel that reflux burning again. The reflux of knowing that I get to choose between staying well for the child I have or risking life threatening mental illness relapse. Some nights I swallow them quickly and other nights my thoughts are as though the Cambridge debating society have taken over my brain simply to justify why I need to take them.
I hate the jealousy and envy I feel when I see someone with a blooming tummy and an excited glint in their eye. I hate myself for not feeling happy for them.
For various reasons we can’t adopt so that option is gone too, when I realised this with finality a couple of weeks ago I felt that burn then I felt my guts being wrenched out akin to surgery without anaesthesia.
I even allow myself to indulge in a little self loathing at times when I can manage to convince myself that this lack of a baby is punishment for the fact I rejected our first born when I had severe postnatal depression. My head knows this is ridiculous but my head knowledge and heart knowledge are so far from each other with this subject.
When will the acid reflux and heart burn stop? I can’t bear this. I can’t smile and say “fine thanks how are you?” When I want to (quite irrationally) scream “NOT pregnant”.
This isn’t about my mood though, I must be clear my mood is fine this is ‘normal fertility related sadness’ if there is such a thing. Our journey has already involved two years ‘trying’ with two very early losses, getting to the top of the list at a fertility clinic and starting new mental health meds so having to revert to contraception.
I feel empty, inadequate and in pain, the burn that pains alongside the lump in my throat which holds back the tears, goodness they take huge amounts of energy.
I tell myself I’m blessed to have one child.
I tell myself we should concentrate on us as a couple and think of the life we can and do have.
I tell myself I’m being greedy.
I tell myself to concentrate on my career.
I tell myself lies in response.
The reflux burn continues and I’ve not found a remedy yet. One day.