TRIGGER WARNING – TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE IN A GRAPHIC AND DESCRIPTIVE WAY, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS IS LIKELY TO TRIGGER YOU.
The night I tried to end my own life I was as calm as I had ever felt, I was sure that taking my own life was my only option. I had a new baby, a great husband, a well paid job and a home in a lovely village lined with blossom trees. You get where I am going with this? Suicidal thoughts are often, not exclusively, but often a symptom of mental illness and mental illness does not discriminate, it can affect anyone at any time. It affected me and it nearly cost me my life, my daughter her mother and my husband his wife. Continue reading →
You may remember I blogged a while ago about starting to attend a group at church called ‘Celebrate Recovery’. It’s a Christ focussed twelve step programme which helps people with their hurts, habits and hang ups. You can find more details about Celebrate Recovery and whether it runs in your area from the link at the end of this blog. A standard introduction at celebrate recovery is “Hi my name is… , I am a Christian and I am in recovery from…” Which seems simple or so you’d think. Not to me it seems who over analyses everything I say and do. As a nurse I pride myself on being a reflective practitioner, which is a vital part of nursing, yet can’t help but berate myself for taking this too far and obsessing over my inadequacies. I have managed to skirt the introduction thing thus far and it has been without issue but tonight I was asked if I would be willing to read out the beatitudes which would involve an introduction in front of the whole group. I was happy to read out the beatitudes but quickly had a moment of realisation that I didn’t know what to say in my introduction. I could have confidently said I am in recovery from mental illness or childhood sexual abuse or even promiscuity if I go far enough back but however true those statements are they do not reflect why I am attending CR.
I was invited to visit and have a look around my local trusts new mental health hospital but it got me to thinking of my first ever impression of a mental health hospital was being driven up the hill to a brand new build where I was to be admitted but passing the derelict red brick asylum buildings with their imposing shadow and being terrified of what was to greet me at the brow of the hill. As it was to turn out the hospital where I was to stay was state of the art and had only opened mere months before I arrived but I will never forget my fear at the fenced off terror I imagined behind the overgrown shrubbery.